Someone whom I respect for a long time, lead me last month to take a look back at my past.
Thus it was that after years I opened a very old photo album for the first time again. Looking for a photo with a specific balcony from my childhood. I’ve actually found the photo by the way, as shown below.
I haven’t taken a look into this album since the death of my mother, because it hurt me too much, to see the old pictures with her.
When I took it out of the closet, I hesitated briefly, before I took a deep breath and finally opened it, because I felt that it was time to look ahead and to make my peace with the past and the loss of some people who convey a great deal to me.
Anyhow, I have no regrets for having taken this little journey into my past because it brought me back many wonderful memories of unforgettable moments of my life and loved ones who have accompanied me on my way.
All in all it was good to take a look back into the past after so long , because it allowed me to look with the necessary distance at some things, to consider them from a different perspective and to remember the good old days with nostalgia.
I’ve won even some new insights about myself.
I know now that my love for sheeps and everything Chinese definitely has its roots in my childhood. Strangely enough, what you discover if you look at pictures that you have already seen countless times before, suddenly in a different light.
This photo album contains almost all stations of my earliest childhood to the last photos of my room at home with my mother, shortly before moving out into my first rental flat.
By implication there are also photos in it of my first love. A wonderful Capricorn I met at the age of fifteen at school and with whom I habe been together for eight years. We even were engaged, before he decided that he wanted to experience more than having just one girlfriend. Among other I owe him my love for Huskies. As he had worked for a husky breeder for a while and brought me there. I was 17 and I swore to myself that if I should ever get a dog, then only a Husky. They are simply magnificent animals.
I must admit it was kind of strange to see the old pictures of him and think about what turns my life has taken since that time. We had a damned good time together, even if our relationship ended tearfully for both of us. But he will for sure always have a special place in my heart.
Inspired by rummaging in the old photos at some point eventually my thoughts spun off and I basically started thinking about my life and the turning points, that have been in it this far.
Even if I could well do without of some of the unpleasant experiences, I do not regret any of them, because ultimately it is the sum of our experiences that make us the person who we are, right?
In any event, in all this thinking about the past I come to the realization that everything is fine as it is and I am glad that I still can count the men with whom I had been together on one hand. Just as I am happy that I was already living Straight Edge, when in this country the people not even knew how to write it. Thereon nothing changed since my divorce five years ago. I’ve never been the type for one-night stands. With me it is always all or nothing. I am not one for half measures. I never was, I’ll never be. It’s simply not in my nature. Rather I prefer to stay single, until one day I met someone who manages to tear down my walls, instead of rushing from one dubious adventure into the next.
And even if it has inflicted deep wounds to me, in the meantime I’m glad to be divorced, because otherwise I would have probably never come up with the idea to finally follow my old childhood dream and start writing.
Thank you, dear friend, for making me take this trip down memory lane. It really helped me to learn something important about myself and my life so I could finally make amends with my past.
Let me close this blog with a quote by the character Frodo Baggins from the ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy in ‘The return of the King’: “How do you go on… when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend… some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold.”
My answer to that question is: simply walk on.
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